Blue Lion©
Handbook
Online
Version
Communicating,
Building Consensus,
and Resolving Conflict at Work
Karl A. Slaikeu, Ph.D.
Diane W. Slaikeu, J.D.
Some
of the materials in this handbook are reprinted by permission from:
Slaikeu, K.A.
When Push Comes to Shove: A Practical Guide to Mediating Disputes. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Inc.,
Publishers, 1996.
Slaikeu, K.A., and Hasson, R.H. Controlling the Costs of Conflict:
How to Design a System for Your Organization. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Inc.,
Publishers, 1998.
Slaikeu, K.A., Slaikeu, D.W., and Hasson, R.H. CHORDA Collaboration Skills. Austin, Texas: CHORDA Conflict
Management, Inc., 2006.
No part of the materials protected by this copyright
notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage
and retrieval system, without written permission from the copyright owner.
© 2020 Karl
A. Slaikeu and Diane W. Slaikeu.
All rights reserved.
For additional copies,
write or call:
Karl A. Slaikeu
Preferred Path
Conflict Resolution
c/o Blue Lion Conflict Solutions, LLC
4301 West William Cannon Dr.
Suite 150 B
Austin, TX 78749
Telephone: (512) 482-0356
Fax: (800) 498-3106
Email: karls@bluelioncs.com
A
Closer Look at the Preferred Path Steps
Step
2: Follow the Golden Rule
Step
4: Seek Facilitation/Mediation
Step
5: Refer to Higher Authority
Blue
Lion Debrief Tool1 (Short Form)
Blue
Lion Debrief Tool1 (Long Form)
Tips on How to Use Questions,
Active Listening, and Self-Disclosing
· To have greater responsibility
Facilitation/Informal
Mediation
Initiating
a Concern/Complaint
Open with Recognition and Respect
Close
with a Test and Plans for Follow-Up
“What’s
Wrong with This Picture?”
Script
– Commercial Negotiation
What’s Wrong with This Picture?
Script
– Performance Evaluation Negotiation
Script
– The Problem With This Team
Serenity
Prayer Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
Serenity
Prayer Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
The
Two-Track Model of Attorney Representation
Welcome
Whether your goal is to save time, money, or relationships, this handbook offers a road map for achieving more satisfying, less costly, and more durable outcomes when resolving an issue/conflict/dispute at work, at home, and any place where two or more disagree on some important topic.
Even if there is no conflict, you can use the Preferred Path Steps and Tools to achieve a better understanding of another person or group and to strengthen your relationships.
This handbook gives you instant access to information for use as a party (or team lead) or as a third-party facilitator or mediator.
The guidance and tools provided in this handbook grow from decades of vetting by educators and students taking skills training in businesses, courses for academic credit in universities, and even more important, by parties and mediators helping to resolve a wide range of work, family, and community disputes.
This handbook is available in electronic and spiral-bound hard copy versions, each designed to allow you to page quickly to topics of interest, for immediate application to your situation.
Whether you looking for guidance as a first-time user or a former student seeking refreshers and reminders, we welcome you to the network and wish you well as you work toward collaborative solutions to the challenges in front of you right now, or on the horizon.
Karl A. Slaikeu, Ph.D.
Diane W. Slaikeu, J.D.
June 2020
Part A:
Introduction
Who, Why, and What?
This handbook is designed primarily for those who want in
the moment reminders and guidance using concepts and tools from Blue
Lion skills courses, though it can be used also as a stand-alone reference
for all who have an interest in reaching a collaborative solution with another
person or group.
Whether your goal is to enhance communication, build
consensus on a specific topic, or resolve conflict involving individuals and/or
groups, the Preferred Path steps offer a road map for achieving more
satisfying, less costly, and more durable outcomes.
Step 1: Prepare
Step 2: Follow the Golden Rule
Step 3: Talk & Listen Collaboratively
Step 4: Request Facilitation/Mediation
Step 5: Refer to Higher Authority
Step 6: Take Other Action
The six Steps on the Preferred
Path can be grouped into beginning, middle, and last resort phases.
- Steps 1 and 2 are the preparation steps, reviewing what you already know and making a plan to collect new information.
- Steps 3 and 4 are the engagement steps: listening and speaking directly with another person or group, with the option of facilitation or mediation by mutually agreeable third party if that is needed.
- Steps 5 and 6 are for decisions by higher authorities, and a range of other actions that may be taken if the matter is not resolved through the first five steps.
While you can “loop forward” at any time, experience suggests it’s best to follow the steps in order.
How?
You can follow the Preferred Path on your own, with no cooperation from “the other side.” Or you can use this handbook with other individuals and groups as a shared guide and point of reference.
a. Start by thinking of the situation, the people, and the challenge before you.
b. Use a notebook, Word document on your computer, or Notes on your phone to write down the topic and people involved, and your own statement of the challenge.
c. Read Step 1 and follow the Navigation Tips for that step, making notes to use as a guide in a conversation, negotiation, or mediation event with the other parties.
d. Note tools as they are mentioned in the text.
e. As
you become more familiar with the steps and tools, mark favorite pages and most
useful tools.
When?
The Preferred Path applies to three challenges that we all face at work, at home, and in many other situations. You can use the Preferred Path steps and tools to:
- Communicate: Here you aim to listen well and speak clearly to others, in order to achieve deeper understanding; there may not necessarily be a problem to be solved, but rather an interest in a strengthening relationship.
- Build Consensus: In this case you have a topic on the table, though parties may hold very different views, and may cite different facts to support their respective positions; unless they achieve some agreement on what to do about a topic that has demanded their attention, they may well suffer lost time, money, or the entire relationship.
- Resolve Conflict: In this case some past or current event is perceived by one or more others to have caused harm; one or more individuals want justice, peace, and/or healing.
Where?
Here are some examples where you might use the Preferred Path steps:
Work
Performance evaluations. Interdepartmental conflicts. Complaints about products and services. Mergers and acquisitions. Cultural differences. Violations of legally protected rights. Strategic planning challenges.
Following the steps of the Preferred Path can help in all of these circumstances. “Unbundling” the issue can lead to outcomes that would be unavailable to you otherwise.
At Home
Are you facing any of the following at home?
· Couple differences that threaten the relationship.
· Conflicts between parents and children.
· Work or school challenges that disrupt family life.
Following the steps on the Preferred Path can lead to positive outcomes in each of these circumstances.
Other Circumstances
Besides work and family, where else might you face conflict, or have a need to reach agreement with someone? Resolving a personal injury dispute? Professional liability? Conflict in your neighborhood? Homeowners’ Association? Construction dispute?
Following the Preferred Path can save you time, money, and emotional wear and tear in all these circumstances.
Remember that you can follow the steps of the Preferred Path unilaterally, without cooperation of anyone else. Or use them with others as a common point of reference.
While you can “loop forward” at any time, experience suggests it’s best to follow the steps in order.
Start with Step 1: Prepare to evaluate your situation, identify key interests, and expose information gaps you’ll need to address in order to get a good outcome.
Part B:
A Closer Look at the Preferred Path Steps
Step 1: Prepare
Step 2: Follow the Golden Rule
Step 3: Talk/Negotiate
Step 4: Seek Facilitation/Mediation
Step 5: Refer to Higher Authority
Step 6: Take Other Action
B – 1
Step 1: Prepare
“Begin with the end in mind” captures the essence of Step 1. If you are entering a communication or dialogue event, what do you hope to learn? If this is a conflict, what sort of outcome do you seek? An apology? Restitution or punishment? Corrective action?
In each of these circumstances you can help your cause if you take a few moments to note what you already know about the situation, and what information you hope to gather along the way.
Looking ahead, two tools from the Blue Lion Toolkit can help with Step 1:
· The Conflict Grid questions used for preparation by professional mediators can help any party prepare for collaborative resolution.
· In conflict situations, the Standard Solutions list helps identify what you and/or the other side might need in order to achieve peace, justice or healing.
See the following pages for additional information on Step 1.
· Goals
· Examples
· Tools
Step 1 Goals
The goal in Step 1: Prepare is to summarize (1) the knowledge you already possess and (2) the new information you will need to gather in order to either resolve the conflict, or to reach agreement with one or more people on some important issue.
Taking a tip from professional negotiators and mediators, ask yourself: “What do I know so far about the situation, including my own interests and those of others, and what information do I need to resolve this matter?”
Here are questions, based on the Conflict Grid tool that can help you prepare for all the remaining steps on the Preferred Path:
1. What is the topic we are dealing with? Write it down.
2. What parties are (a) directly involved in this situation, and who might be (b) indirectly affected by whatever outcome we reach? The first category is usually quite easy, though people often get tripped up on the second. Think of the latter as individuals who, if their interests are honored, can help you move forward, and if they are not, might derail your efforts.
3. For each party, what do I know so far about this person’s:
a. Key interests (matters of the heart)?
b. Facts that he or she will likely bring to the table (a window into how this person views the situation)?
c. Best alternative to a negotiated agreement (or BATNA, which means what this person will likely do if a collaborative resolution is not reached)?
d. Possible solutions (or preferred solutions from this person’s point of view)?
4. If there has been some perceived wrong done in the past, might one of the Standard Solutions be needed? Who might deliver what, to whom?
a. Acknowledgement/Apology/Repentance?
b. Restitution?
c. Plan for the Future/Preparation?
d. Forgiveness?
5. Looking at the list above, what information is missing? How can I (or we) learn more (e.g., direct conversation with whom, etc.)?
Step 1 Examples
Here is an example of a quick Step 1: Prepare.
Imagine you are heading to work one morning, thinking about an upcoming confrontation with your boss. She is concerned about a vendor who has complained about a “breach of our contract.” Your mental process (perhaps aided by a few written notes, assuming you are not driving a car), might go like this:
· Topic? It’s the “breach of contract” accusation; what will we do about that?
· Parties? Picturing columns on a mental grid, the parties list might include: you (representing company, accused of wrongdoing, apparently), your boss, and the vendor.
· Grid data: Okay, maybe she [vendor] is thinking about the delayed delivery of the product. But you believe she made changes that caused the delay. Tuck this item into her “Other Facts” boxes on your [mental or written] grid.
Continue thinking through what you already know, and sort it into grid categories. At your first available opportunity, make grid notes, with ample use of question marks (?) to show areas where you’ll need to inquire more.
For an example of a longer version of preparation (beyond reflections while commuting to work), see the Grid Case Sample in the Tools.
Step 1 Meditations
Some form of meditation or other self-regulating technique can heighten awareness and bring focus to everything you do and say at each Step on the Preferred Path. Try integrating the tips below with a practice you may already be familiar with (e.g., religious meditation).
Note: This meditation can be used alone, or with a friend who reads the instructions.
Meditation for Step 1: Prepare
1. Make yourself as physically comfortable as possible, turning off external distractions (electronics, etc.).
2. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, five counts slowly in and five counts slowly out; relax your muscles.
3. Imagine the situation, and the people.
4. Notice any feelings of fear, tension, or hope.
5. As needed, focus again on breathing deeply.
6. Using the Conflict Grid as a prompt, start with one party; think/imagine what his/her interests might be on the matter at hand. Do same with Other Facts, BATNA and his/her Possible Solutions.
7. Do this for each party.
8. Imagine an integrative solution that might work for all.
9. Slowly open your eyes.
10. Write notes on what you discovered, especially questions you may need answered.
11. Use the notes to guide your listening and inquiring in upcoming events.
Definition: “Meditation refers to a family of self-regulation practices that focus on training attention and awareness in order to bring mental processes under greater voluntary control and thereby foster general mental well-being and development and/or specific capacities such as calm, clarity, and concentration.” Roger Walsh & Shauna L. Shapiro (2006). “The meeting of meditative disciplines and western psychology: A mutually enriching dialogue.” American Psychologist (American Psychological Association) 61 (3): 227–239.
Step 1 Tools
Consider the following tools as a resource for Step 1: Prepare:
· The Conflict Grid
Step 1 Questions
1. How can I prepare if I have no idea what the other person wants in this situation?
By asking the preparation questions under Goals, you heighten your awareness of what you know and what you may not know. This prepares you to test your perceptions against what you hear from the other person when you have a conversation later.
2.
Doesn’t this run the risk that
I enter future conversations with a bias toward what I have already prepared?
Yes, but it’s a good tradeoff (risk of bias vs. reward of being tuned in and alert). Knowing this is a risk can equip you to be even more vigilant in checking your bias. Try this: for everything you think you know, force yourself to listen for (and invite) other views when you get to Steps 3 and 4.
Step 1 Checklist
Are you ready to move to Step 2 in the Preferred Path? Consider the following on your Step 1 checklist:
|
o |
1. |
Am I aware that there is a Preferred Path that I can follow on this matter, i.e., I have choices, from early conversations (facilitated in Step 4, if necessary) to higher authority as backup? |
|
o |
2. |
Have I considered who else might be involved (i.e., the Grid columns)? |
|
o |
3. |
Have I asked the key Grid questions for each party? |
B – 2
Step 2: Follow
the Golden Rule
Found in many cultures, the Golden Rule reminds us to “Treat others as you would like to be treated,” and “Don’t do to others things you would not like to have done to you.”
We feature it in Step 2 to help you increase the likelihood that you will achieve your goals as you move through the remaining steps on the Preferred Path.
Here are some suggestions for applying the Golden Rule in a conflict situation:
· Demonstrate respectful language and timeliness in the exchange of information.
· If in doubt, imagine yourself in the other’s shoes and, from that perspective, decide how you would like to be treated.
· Monitor especially your comments to third parties; if your opponent were to overhear you, what would he/she conclude?
· Eliminate sending email or other electronic negative statements about the other party; instead, write down your thoughts and use them in the steps ahead on the Preferred Path.
Step 2 is a health check on your attitude as you move to conversations in Steps 3 and 4.
See the following pages for additional information on Step 2.
· Goals
· Examples
· Tools
Step 2 Goals
There are two central goals in Step 2: Practice the Golden Rule on the Preferred Path:
· For You: The goal is to bring out the best in you, especially when under attack. You do this by taking a concrete action that runs counter to simply reacting to the other’s negative behavior. It’s as if to say, “I will exercise my right to treat you well, even if you treat me badly.”
· For both you and the Other Person: Offering civility (courtesy, understanding, respect) may lay the groundwork for constructive exploration and change on all sides.
Step 2 Examples
Here are a few examples of the Golden Rule in practice, alongside the opposite behavior:
1. Knowing that an upcoming discussion and decision by the school board will directly affect families of children with physical disabilities, board members decide to reach out by phone to several families, alerting them to the upcoming meeting. (Opposite: “We’re busy. If they [affected families] care enough, they will find out about the meeting on their own”).
2. An attorney arranges seating in her office so the height of chairs is relatively similar, to give each person equal status in conversations. (Opposite: another attorney seats opposing counsel in a chair that is smaller and lower in height than hers.)
3. Concerned about the board’s poor track record in enforcing rules about garbage cans left in the street, a homeowner decides to speak directly with the chairman of the board. (Opposite: homeowner gossips to neighbors.)
Step 2 Meditations
To cultivate a sense of the Golden Rule in practice, try the meditation below. It is the same as for Step 1, except that Numbers 7-10 are new.
Note: All meditation suggestions can be undertaken alone, or with a friend who reads the instructions.
Meditation for Step 2:
1. Make yourself as physically comfortable as possible, turning off external distractions (electronics, etc.).
2. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, five counts slowly in and five counts out; relax your muscles.
3. Imagine the situation, and the people.
4. Notice any feelings of fear, tension, or hope.
5. As needed, focus again on breathing deeply.
6. Using Grid columns as a guide, picture each party.
7. Repeat the Golden Rule in language that fits your personal values: e.g., “I will treat [him/her] the way I would like [him/her] to treat me.”
8. Specifically, I will refrain from [spreading gossip, lies, etc.].
9. Specifically, I will [seek to understand his/her interests and honor them if I can, and if not, state clearly my case about why not].
10. End with a positive thought about the process you are using [Preferred Path].
Step 2 Tools
The following tools are useful for Step 2: Golden Rule:
· The Conflict Grid (See particularly the section on “interests” and “other facts.” What interests of your opponent might you honor with actions that demonstrate the Golden Rule?)
Step 2 Questions
1. Are
you kidding me? It’s unrealistic to do a “Golden Rule” in today’s business
environment. “Dog eat dog” makes more sense.
It’s a matter of choice. An equally strong business mandate is, “
Watch what you do, because it may come back to bite you!” Read on.
2. So
how does this help me and my side? (I know it may be good for the other guys.)
At a minimum, when all is said and done, you will have taken the ‘high road.’ If the deal doesn’t go your way, you’ll walk away with satisfaction it wasn’t your negative attitude and behavior that killed it.
Your Golden Rule behavior just might lead to a concession coming your way. It happens.
Finally, you are being watched throughout this entire process. Maybe by your own children, a subordinate, someone on the other side’s team. How you treat people now makes an impression that will influence what comes your way in the future.
Step 2 Checklist
Here is a checklist for applying the Golden Rule to your particular circumstances:
|
1. |
Have I thought through the benefits and risks of following the Golden Rule on this matter? |
|
|
o |
2. |
Have I identified things I can say, do, or think that reflect my applying the Golden Rule to specific individuals? |
|
o |
3. |
Have I committed to taking these Steps no matter what the other side does? |
B – 3
Step 3: Talk/Negotiate
Step 3 is the main event on the Preferred Path. Here you will communicate your thoughts and concerns, listen to the views of others, and work to create a solution acceptable to all. Does this sound like too tall an order to fill? It may be, in which case you can ask a mediator or facilitator to help (Step 4).
For an in the moment guide for dealing with difficult conversations, check tips on using the Blue Lion MAP Model to Initiate a Concern and Respond to a Concern expressed by someone else.
· Initiating a Concern/Complaint
· Responding to a Concern/Complaint
See also these additional tools: Communication for tips on listening and speaking, and Conflict Grid for Consensus Building.
See the following pages for additional information on Step 3.
· Goals
· Examples
· Tools
Step 3 Goals
The goal in Step 3 is to communicate in a way that leads to better understanding, and if needed, to create a solution that all parties can support. You can use the Conflict Grid as a guide for conversation in this step.
Communicating. If your goal is to understand another person, think of this step as listening to and sharing data from each person’s column on the Grid (interests, facts important to each person, solutions he/she prefers).
Consensus Building. Here your aim is to create a mutually agreeable integrative solution. Some people call this a “win/win” since it addresses concerns of each person.
Conflict Resolution. If the goal is to resolve some perceived wrong, you may need to address complaints and grievances by breaking the topic into component parts. This might include liability, damages, and solutions.
· Liability. You will address the question: “What do we each believe about who did what to whom, and who is responsible for what?”
For example, a vendor may believe that late delivery was caused by numerous last-minute changes from the customer. The customer may believe that the delay was caused by the vendor giving lower priority to the customer’s “small job” as compared with other larger orders.
In a Step 3 conversation you aim to exchange information on the events and differing perceptions of what caused the current situation.
· Damages: Who has been harmed and in what way?
For example, if a water leak was not discovered soon enough, and it led to a “slip and fall,” then the damages might involve medical expenses, lost wages and other dimensions.
You may use the Negotiation Steps tool to capture various views of liability and damages on the way toward reaching agreement on remedies.
· Standard Solutions, as perceived by each party. Here the goal is to create solutions that address the four categories noted in the footnote of the Conflict Grid: acknowledgement/ apology/repentance; restitution (money paid for wrong done, as an example); plans for the future (corrective action); and forgiveness.
· Integrative Solution. On the way toward a mutually agreeable integrative solution, ask yourself: What actions can we take that will pass a three-part test:
o The actions honor (or at least do not violate) the most important interests of the parties.
o They square with available facts (e.g., perceptions of liability and damages).
o They are better than the parties’ fallback solutions (also known as BATNAs or “Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement”).
Remember that it is not necessary to cover all of these dimensions in one meeting.
Step 3 Examples
Step 3 conversations are all about speaking, listening (actively), and negotiating. See Scripts for sample conversations illustrating Communication and Negotiation skills in practice.
Step 3 Meditations
Below is a sample meditation to use before entering an important communication/negotiation event.
Reminder: All meditation suggestions can be undertaken alone, or with a friend who reads the instructions.
Meditation for Step 3 Communicate/Negotiate
1. Make yourself as physically comfortable as possible, turning off external distractions (electronics, etc.).
2. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, five breaths slowly in and five breaths out; relax your muscles.
3. Imagine the situation, and the people.
4. Notice any feelings of fear, tension, or hope.
5. Focus again on breathing deeply.
6. Imagine your opening words, breathing deeply in and out as you do.
7. Imagine the other person speaking, and you using active listening to clarify and hear the message.
8. Imagine yourself speaking your part, clearly, succinctly.
9. Picture this going very well.
10. Notice any tension; counter it with deep breathing, in and out slowly.
11. End with a positive thought about the process you are using [Preferred Path].
12. Make notes for use in the next step.
Step 3 Tools
The following tools are especially useful for Step 3 Collaborative Talk: